Archive for February, 2001

So Much More

I wasn’t lucky. I deserved it.
Margaret Thatcher
British Prime Minister

To say that February has been a watershed month would be a massive understatement. Not only the first visit to Australia, not only the beginning of a wonderful relationship with a remarkable woman but also the passing of my 33rd birthday and the first Valentine’s Day in many years that I anticipated and enjoyed, albeit ten thousand miles from my Valentine herself.

It’s been an odd one to say the least. I mean how harsh is it to meet someone with whom you share a massive chemistry, spend two unbelievable weeks together and then have to fly halfway around the world to spend the next two wishing you hadn’t had to leave. Add to this the bittersweetness of being able to spend time with your family at the expense of such a tenuous hold on a fledgeling relationship and you have a recipe for an emotionally draining rollercoaster. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it though, the vacation was unbelievable in so many ways, I don’t think I have ever been so sad to leave, so happy to be there and so happy to get back all around the same vacation. The time I spent away forced me to check my tendency to rush in and gave me a degree of perspective that I have been known to lack at times. That instilled in me the confidence that I was doing the right thing by pursuing this relationship and thus made it harder to remain where I was. All this, however, seems so far away when I think of the way in which we know one another. It’s almost organic at times, a kind of “rightness” that comes so naturally that it surprises you both with it’s transparency and force. It makes time itself seem irrelevant, the passing hours and days both fly and crawl with similar ferocity leaving you uncertain of anything other than the presence you feel wrapped in your arms, the warmth and the gentle heartbeat now the tempo of your world’s time. It’s not that the doubts and realities of all relationships aren’t there, it’s just that you know they are merely tricks being played by your mind in order to test your own resolve. It’s simply true that when something is right, you know it.

Absolutely Fabulous…

..and you do the kind of things
that only Prince would sing about

Bad Touch, Bloodhound Gang

February 6. Tuesday
February 7, Wednesday.

Did you ever get everything you always wanted out of a situation? There have been a couple of times in my life when I have been lucky enough to get it all, the whole nine yards, the whole ball of wax, the big enchilada… One notable experience was getting hired at the hospital, truly a dream come true, everything I was looking for and a whipped cream topping. Well, that’s the way I feel right now. You will have to excuse my hesitation in divulging details, but believe me, Santa came late to my house this year, but made up for it in spades… I know, don’t jinx it… That’s an Americanism though, I can’t recall as a child ever coming across that expression and so my belief in it is limited. Rather, I prefer to revel in the fleeting success which shines on us all at various points in our lives and for lack of a better analogy, to enjoy the sun while it is shining.

I feel like the edge of my world has just fallen away to reveal a whole new dimension that I didn’t even consider existed, like I have been living in a paper house of my own construction and suddenly this hurricane has come blowing through, ripping my environment apart to reveal this beautiful boundless landscape beyond. To say it’s been an eye opener is such an understatement but in essence that is exactly what has happened, I have been forced to see what lies beyond my thoughts, my expectations and my imagined reality.

I have had very little sleep the last 2 days, and have spent a great deal of time getting to know this person on a very detailed level and as corny as it sounds, the more I get to know her and get to know about her the more it drives me to discover and the more it drives me to reveal. It’s as if I have finally found someone not only that I feel like I can be myself around, but who really wants to see that person and whose ultimate satisfaction would be the discovery and possession of the raw essence of who I am. It’s a lot to say, it’s a lot to deal with and yes, it’s been very quick in the offing but sometimes that’s the reality of the situation. Is it possible I am imagining this? No. Is it possible I am blowing this out of proportion? Maybe, but more likely it is my explanation of an extension of feelings I am having, the acknowledgment of the possibility of the situation. The really funky thing is that there is no pressure from either side, at least not yet. I am not in anticipation of any coming, but then again I am not afraid of it if it does. Strange as it may seem for me I am in a very secure place in a situation that is actually very volatile and potentially unstable. It’s partly that feeling of natural progression and unique personal acceptance between the two of us that has made me feel so happy and content and I can safely say right now that without a shadow of a doubt I am truly in the moment with every fiber of my being. I don’t have to project, I don’t have to justify any history, I just have to be… There are volumes waiting to be written on the beauty that this individual possesses, but for the time being, the measure of her beauty as a person can be seen clearly in the illumination of my being.

It’s absolutely fabulous dahhhling….


You never know, with this kind of thing,
anything could change

Weightless, See Spot Run

February 3. Saturday.

I find myself on my back, head under a stack of electronics, wires dangling around me and my hands trembling from the fumbling of cables and screws. Yup, it’s that time of year again, upgrades deluxe. Today was unique in the fact that the entire technical department came along to build the furniture we had bought for the new “tech room”. The big tech bench we got, although it sounds mind-numbingly boring, is actually quite stylish and impressive. As for me, I had three closets to upgrade, software to install, recabling to be done, wire managers and such to rack and all on a tight rotating downtime schedule… Asleep yet? I almost am, believe me. However, I have something wildly significant to look forward to this evening… It’s finally time for Snatch.. Vinnie Jones et al in a “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” with a twist of Americana in the form of Brad Pitt. The accompaniment? A visitor from out of town in a sense, someone about which I am going to say very little… Smacks of perfection methinks…

Amazing that this time next week I will be on my way to Australia.. It’s coming up far too fast and I am going to have to leave at a time that is rather inopportune, but it seems that situations in which I find myself are rarely timed with the nuance of a Swiss watch but rather with the inappropriate and hackneyed coordination of a pissed up rugby player on the dance floor… But I am going, glad to be given the opportunity and looking forward to the rest. Two weeks away from work will be strange to say the least, since I have been there for almost 3 years with no more than a handful of days away. Nevertheless, time will pass by for them as it does for me when others disappear to far away locales, with the quiet haste of irresistible inevitability. I’m still planning firmly on one hand luggage and no suitcase, but we’ll see…

Right now, however, I am so tight for time that I am writing this waiting for emails to send and work sessions to terminate on my desktop. So this will have to suffice, a mere signpost to indicate the vague direction in which I am heading.

I’ll be back…

High Hopes

I have no hand…

George Costanza, Seinfeld

February 1. Thursday

Suddenly you just can’t tell. There is a time when you know what another person is thinking, you can tell how they feel and even what they are about to do. Then you outguess yourself, you lose the image in the pattern and suddenly nothing makes sense. It’s make or break time, is what it is. I firmly believe that when two people meet, there is a crescendo of emotion and a window of opportunity that opens which will enable them to begin what may develop into a relationship of sorts. If that time is missed, there may be others, but the likelihood is that the time for them has passed. It sometimes takes years to reach that point, others are instantly thrown into the mix with one another and forced to take what is thrust at them. I believe that I am standing at the brink of the opening of another window.

Is there an echo in here?