Archive for March, 2001

Pain That Speaks

I can make you scared If you want me to
I’m not prepared, but if I have to…


Tragically Hip

March 29. Thursday.

It’s the pain. I can’t stand, I can’t sit. I can’t lay down, not on my back, nor my front, my sides weigh down with the burning lava of nerve pain, shooting up my spine and into my brain stem. I can’t lean, I can’t hang, movement causes the beast to roam my body yet remaining still grips my skull with a vice like pressure that shakes my vision and dulls my hearing. It makes me angry, it makes me weak, it causes me to disassociate myself from others, causes me to dismiss their feelings at the acknowledgment of my own. It turns me from who I am into who I fear I may one day become if the pain doesn’t stop. The less I heed it, the longer it stays, the more mind I pay to it, the greater its hold on me becomes.

For the time being, it kills me.

It’s not that I won’t
It’s that I can’t
It’s not an excuse
It’s a choice
It’s not that I don’t want to
It’s that it won’t allow me
I can’t explain
I can’t make anyone understand
I wouldn’t want to
I wouldn’t try
I wish I could separate myself
I wish I could escape
For now I must remain
For now I must tolerate
For now I must ask forgiveness
For now I must demand strength
For now I must endure
For now I must trust
That the side you see will fade
That the person you are will see
That the things I say will pass
That the way I am will return
That the feelings we share will endure
That the life we have will survive

Breaking The Silence

It was very kind and generous to save
your friend any further suffering.

Please accept our deepest sympathy
on the loss of your companion.

Dr. Allan Stoffman
Jennifer and Alex

March 28. Wednesday.

As you can probably imagine, a lot has happened over the last month or so. There was the Australia trip, the return to find that my little furry buddy wasn’t doing well and the eventual heartbreaking decision to put him out of his misery. There has been the rapid takeoff of my new relationship with Coley, the complete silence on my part not only here but on ICQ, on the phone to my family and even with my family here in Canada. I suppose you could say I have been somewhat of a recluse. I have been working, some strange hours as usual, been at the gym experiencing the kind of success about which I could only have dreamed until now and as of last Saturday have no resolution to the causes of my back problems. To go in reverse, let me state for the record that no matter what the doctors might tell you, losing weight may only contribute slightly to the prevention of back problems such as mine. I have been taking weight off steadily for months now and am currently about the same weight I was when I left University, that being around 205lbs. Contrast that with the 232 I was for months over the fall and winter, the 260 I was for years after Mariska and the 294 I was when I first started at Dolfin about 5 years ago. I am now firmly within acceptable ranges, my skin is slightly loose in places which is bizarre and a little perturbing and even though I just bought a pair of 33 inch waist pants I can still pinch a little at the waist. Despite this, I came downstairs on Saturday morning and as I reached for the garbage can under my desk the familiar searing pain shot through my back. My only conclusion at this point is that since the heater had once again gone off during the night, and my back was exposed to the elements so to speak, once I got up and tried to bend a little the cold muscle aggravated the nerve. A tenuous link at best, but right now it’s all I have.

Backing up… I have been away from the computer for a while, aside from Napster and the odd evening of checking email I have not had the time or the inclination to sit at the desk and do much of anything. Coley has been here a lot, and I think it’s pretty obvious that is what has kept me away, but there have been many times when I could have written email, entries or ICQ’s but just haven’t bothered. It’s the pause that refreshes, at least that’s what I am hoping.

Back… I can’t say much about Shadow right now. He was very sick while I was away and despite the enormous effort and commitment of both Mo and Cole, he just was not going to get much better. Upon my return, he had several relapses of his condition and once his quality of life showed no indication of improvement there was really no option but to stop his suffering.
March 2nd Cole and I took him to the Vet to say good-bye.
It’s safe to say that throughout a life of many hills and valleys that was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am not sure, nor convinced, but it may be that is why my silence has been so long, and why I must once again step away from here to gather my thoughts.

Shadow RIP March 2, 2001