I can make you scared If you want me to
I’m not prepared, but if I have to…

Scared

Tragically Hip

March 29. Thursday.

It’s the pain. I can’t stand, I can’t sit. I can’t lay down, not on my back, nor my front, my sides weigh down with the burning lava of nerve pain, shooting up my spine and into my brain stem. I can’t lean, I can’t hang, movement causes the beast to roam my body yet remaining still grips my skull with a vice like pressure that shakes my vision and dulls my hearing. It makes me angry, it makes me weak, it causes me to disassociate myself from others, causes me to dismiss their feelings at the acknowledgment of my own. It turns me from who I am into who I fear I may one day become if the pain doesn’t stop. The less I heed it, the longer it stays, the more mind I pay to it, the greater its hold on me becomes.

For the time being, it kills me.

It’s not that I won’t
It’s that I can’t
It’s not an excuse
It’s a choice
It’s not that I don’t want to
It’s that it won’t allow me
I can’t explain
I can’t make anyone understand
I wouldn’t want to
I wouldn’t try
I wish I could separate myself
I wish I could escape
For now I must remain
For now I must tolerate
For now I must ask forgiveness
For now I must demand strength
For now I must endure
For now I must trust
That the side you see will fade
That the person you are will see
That the things I say will pass
That the way I am will return
That the feelings we share will endure
That the life we have will survive