Archive for February, 2002

Birthday Heartache

It’s safe to say that throughout a life
of many hills and valleys
that was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Gray Matter, March 28, 2001

February 20. Wednesday.
Happy Birthday to me!

Well, a day filled with emotionally taxing encounters, a short temper and an ache in my heart for something small and furry has left me feeling a little hollow as evening rolls around. The rain still pouring from the skies as they darken, carrying with the waning daylight my last remaining reserves of energy. I stepped into the warm house tonight and even though my life is filled with things, I have a wonderful woman who loves me, parents that are archetypal role models and a sister I adore, still I stood in the semi-darkness and was filled with a sense of sadness. It is really hard to put my finger on what is wrong with me, except that as I stood in the shower after my workout I couldn’t help but feel that maybe it was time to shake things up around here. I know my relationship is on solid ground, and normally that would be enough to fill my life with happiness but I can’t help but feel like I am holding myself back in some way. I know that my current situation with work is not ideal, and that there is a great deal of conflict within my own heart about what to do, but can it really be affecting me to such a degree that it is upsetting my normally ultra-contented soul? I suppose it is possible. The feeling passed quickly leaving no residue, the memory of the disturbance though lingered with me begging for a little introspection.
It could also be that all the talk today about the possibility of Nicole and I getting a cat or two has brought back some very painful memories from this time last year when I was forced to say goodbye all too early to my friend and companion Shadow. Did I resolve those feelings and the associated guilt I felt at the time? Am I scared to start over again, knowing all too well that in time, I will once again have to deal with the loss of another pet? I am not sure, but I am certain that still to this day the thought of my little buddy brings tears to my eyes…

Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. I have lost 3 of my own cats, 2 family cats and I am just so overcome with sadness when I think of them that I am not sure that I want to go through all that again.

But I suppose that is the point of life.

Parents always tell their kids that if you fall off your bike, you have to get right back on and persevere, but then again, bikes are not living beings that attach themselves with furry little paws to your heart and refuse to be forgotten.

I miss Shadow so much…

I’m sorry.


“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, except a bird flew into my giant freak head”


Or should that be couchridden? I am not sure, but suffice to say that after a week of nursing Nicole back to health I find myself afflicted with a far more mild (thank God) version of her flu. I have spent the last 2 days on the couch watching daytime TV (I don’t know how people can stand daytime TV) and wishing I were better so I could take advantage of being off work. No such luck though, today I feel much better but feel that tomorrow rather than play hookie, I should probably go and catch up on all the stuff with which I will be deluged when I get back. Not only that, but being sick always allows you to ponder things that you wouldn’t usually have the time to think about, and yet makes no provision for you to write it down or record it in any way. I suppose though, it is rather like being delerious, in the way that even though you think it makes sense at the time and some of it seems revolutionary, to the sober or healthy mind it is drivel at best. For example, I had to go into work on Saturday to do some configurations on the main switch but was already feeling somewhat under the weather.

The conversations I had, although I was convinced that they were filled with technical brilliance and insight, were probably not unlike chatting with a drunk squirrel.

You get the picture.