Archive for December, 2005

Har har

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
” A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other,” Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home'”.
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome” “Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual'”.

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ” I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Déja Moo: The feeling that you have heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted,” Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, ” I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week – and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said,” I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ” They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad it’s good) ….
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Trying to Keep Up

Bad to worse some might say but since we have come back from the weekend in Blue Mountain my eating has been awful and my exercise lacking. I need a refresher in focus I think.
The weekend was great as it usually is, we saw the new house and there was a light dusting of snow to really make it like Christmas. The kids were great, and as everyone always says at family gatherings they are growing up so fast it is incredible.
The food was great, lots of sweets unfortunately and the turkey, always unpredictable for most, was excellently prepared.
Once back to work things started to unravel healthwise because it has been 10% humidity in our office every day this week. Monday and Tuesday I was OK, wednesday I got a headache at lunch and by Thursday lunchtime I was unable to work due to my headache. I wrote a letter to Occ Health quoting their own policy on the intranet and appealing for them to fix the situation. We will see what happens I guess.

Day 11 I think

This is not going to plan since coaching is getting in the way and I can’t seem to get out of bed early enough to get on the treadmill by 530. Anyway, I went to the dentist yesterday, they are claiming it has been 2 1/2 years since I was there but I severely doubt that. I have a cracked filling (again) and apparently my grinding my teeth at night is starting to cause problems. This is despite the fact that I have been doing it for over 30 years now.
So he suggested I get an “appliance” for my front teeth to stop myself grinding. I can’t decide if it is worse or better than having a full mouthguard since this little thing looks suspiciously like a soother…
I also went to see the Gastroentorologist about my GERD / indigestion /barfing. His solution is to give me Nexium which may help, after which he will do a Gastroscopy, where he inserts a camera down my throat and pokes about for a while.
Once that fun is over, he says I can wear a PH unit to measure the acidity in my throat for 24 hours, this entails me having tubes down my throat and sensors for 24 hours. Will the fun never stop!?
Once again, I face a last resort option of surgery. Apparently I have a lazy sphincter. Since this has been going on since I can remember, at least back to 1992 I think its probably time to get it fixed. However, having a surgical procedure that requires them entering my body through my bellybutton does not fill me with the warm and fuzzies I think I will hold off for now.

I keep thinking of topics to discuss, but once I actually get here all I can recall are the vaguest of details. It goes something like this:
Driving to work in the morning or listening to the BT crew in the morning I hear something that piques my interest, this morning it happened to be the Raptors having lost their latest game taking them to an abysmal 1-16 record. Not only that, but last night they only managed to score 66 points. This is not just bad play, this is purposeful belligerence it has to be! I mean I know that the Leafs are bad, even though they show flashes of confidence and ability it always ends up in a car wreck at season’s end, but they very rarely get thrashed like the Raptors do. Which brings me to the point of questioning why we have a team at all, and how far we have fallen since the days of Stoudamire and that other arrogant prick who played for us to be where we are now, the whipping dogs of the NBA. 66 points, people! So anyway, as the events of the day progress and my tiny brain fills with other fluff this all gets gradually relegated to the status of gum on the sole of a shoe. So much so that once I sit at the computer ready to write all I can think of is …

Man, the Raptors suck.

See? And I wonder why I have a hard time putting hands to keys like I used to.

Speaking of scams… I downloaded Power 90 sculpt and sweat 3-4 to see if they were any more exciting than 1-2 are (in reality, a lobotomy would be more exciting than Tony horton but I digress) and to my dismay I found that the only difference is that there is an extra set of each thing on the tape. Oh, sorry, they have two different average looking people in the back behind Tony just to really mix things up. I am glad I didn’t spring the money for them and since I am an honest individual, I will not use the downloads, I will just delete them. Maybe Buns of Steel is a little more exciting. It is not that the stuff he does isn’t good, in fact it is a great mixture of the right moves in the right order, but seriously I am almost asleep at the end of the thing… Maybe that is why I haven’t lost any weight yet!