A Second Bite At The Apple

The future’s in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change.

Scorpions, Winds of Change

August 21. Tuesday

What are you worth? Someone seems to think they can guess, so for a giggle, try the following out and see if you agree.

What is a human worth? (This site has been taken down… at least I can’t find it any more which may be a good thing)

No need to share, but I would be interested to see exactly how they did it.

Cheap way to keep me writing, I know, but at least I am here for the second day in a row.

Actually, I am having another epiphany of sorts. You know how it is where you get into a rut of doing things that somehow, one morning, seem absolutely insane? I have that feeling about my day to day routine right now. I have not been going to the gym, my weight has gone back to where I was before I lost to go to Australia. That alone makes me angry with myself. Not only that, but my sleeping pattern is messed up as is Coley’s and that is a source of frustration for both of us. I think it is time for a change or two. It’s funny in a way that life has it’s own way of telling you to do things differently and today I am hearing that message loud and clear. They say that a change is as good as a rest and I believe that to be true, but not only that, a change is as good an opportunity to flex your individuality muscle as you will ever have. It’s time to make changes, and the source of those changes is me.

To some it may not seem like much, to say that I will go back to the gym, I will save my money, I will go to bed early and be true to my long term goals of health and activity but it is a lot harder to stick to your guns with someone else around the house. But that is the name of the game, to stay true to yourself and yet to grow with the person you are with. After all, who wants to be told who to be or to have to tell someone else what to do to make you happy? I doesn’t work that way, the pivotal point is personal responsibility for your own life. We must maintain our own individuality to ensure the strongest connection to our own psyche but also to guarantee our participation in a relationship between two individuals. I think the one thing that men are most scared of is becoming a person over whom they have no control. The notion of being controlled by someone else (purposefully or not) is the root of all men’s fears in a relationship and that is why we do some of the stupid things that we do. We are simply searching for a way to exercise control over our own life. Unfortunately, some men see the only means to that end as striking out against someone else, most likely their partner, but that is only because they are too close minded to see their own lack of development and too stupid to understand that who they are and what they do is their responsibility.

So the winds of change blow through the house this morning, the front door is open and a cool breeze is blowing the stale air from the living room. The sun is shining, burning off the moisture from the overnight rains and after another night of uncomfortable sleep and the worry that my weight is about to hurt me I am ready once again to do what I know is my easiest source of salvation. It’s time to go back to the gym before I drive both me and Nicole insane.

Consistency, why do you evade me?

Without a concrete record,
our past will forever be in doubt.


Thoughts on a Sunday

June 19. Sunday.

Up all night again… This time, Coley had a BBQ that she was going to in order to hook up with her longtime friend Hayley.

This was supposed to give me a whole night to myself, to hang out with friends and take it easy. However, not even before Cole left, I got paged into the office and was there the majority of the night. By the time I had finished with the Foundation server I rushed off to see Andrew as I had promised and literally had a few minutes and headed home. So much for relaxation, so here I am, bathed in the light glow of my monitor as cheesy infomercials play. It’s truly amazing what is on TV at 4:14am on a Sunday. Again I will try to make some sense of why it is that I am holding out…. except that this time it is the truth that I have been enjoying life too much with very little to complain about. As we all know, I seem to be at my best when I am complaining and therefore the site has sadly lacked input of late. I would say the only reason I am here today is because of how mad I was having missed my night to myself.

By comparison, my life is going unusually well, so I should probably get used to forcing myself to at the very least document the major developments in my life.

I would say one of the biggest developments in the last little while is the knowledge that Andrew, the network guy at Branson has decided to leave and go to England with his wife to work. This is very sad since Andrew is a great guy and will be sorely missed by me. However, it does lend itself to certain restructuring opportunities at work, mostly affecting me and my position of lone wolf turning team leader.

Going a little further back, Coley and I went to Cuba together, some pics and a write up are in the works, but for now I must say that I had a great time, a forced break from all things technical and the chance to sleep, sleep, sleep. Coley enjoyed herself, right from getting a passport, through to the new friends she has over email since our return. The weather was outstanding, but insanely hot. It was 92 in the shade by 10am the day we arrived and each night brought an electrical light show that filled the dark evening sky with majesty as the fingers of lightening caressed the cloud covered mountains. Like I said, photos and other stuff are on the way, so keep your eyes out.

Aren't we cute

Well, it has taken me a while to write just this, so I think it is time to head back to bed, although the Hungarian Grand Prix starts in just 2.5 hrs. Bah! Sleep then. G’night.

As I Was Saying

July 29. Sunday.

So I was going to jump back with some great big expansive recap of everything that has happened, but rather than try to fool you all by promising things I cannot possibly summon the energy for I shall just get brief and fill in the gaps later.

I am living with my girlfriend, Coley.
We just got back from a week in Cuba.
I have neglected all my friends, online and IRL not least of all Connie and Cynthia who called this morning and sent pangs of guilt through me just by paging me with her number. I returned the call and when I heard it was her I suddenly felt incredibly bad. It’s nothing to do with Coley, she has no problems with my having female friends, but rather that I have been so wrapped up with building a relationship and maintaining my work schedule that I have had no time to put into those external relationships. Of course, that is a crock, anyone can make time, but the theory is far easier to propogate than the reality.
I got a vacation time raise at work.
My weight went down to 209 but since vacation has ballooned back to 225.
Coley bought a new car, a 2001 Grand Am GT.

Maybe that’s all, maybe not. I bumped into 2 people from my past last week, so it would seem that my history is once again nudging me into my future, reminding me that stagnation is only a breath away from death itself.

Well.. I feel better, so I guess this is working!

See you.


Silence is golden



June 12. Tuesday.

So why now? Why not? I guess it has just been long enough or maybe my restless fingers need to find their way back to the familiar posture on the keyboard so I can sort through some of the new happenings and ongoings in my life. Time to put digital pen to CRT paper and give myself a brief review of the past few months.

By Jonathan Cainer:

They say you can judge a person by the company they keep. What then can we conclude about you? What kind of people are you drawn to? What is it that you secretly seek in your relationships? Are you comfortable with what’s been happening in your love life lately and if not, is it your fault or someone else’s? Sorry to start with such confronting questions, but we might as well nail down the big issues and get them into a place where we can sort them out. Because, really, if you want to claim the full measure of emotional happiness that the sky insists you are entitled to in the coming year, you are going to have to tackle this sooner or later. In a nutshell, it all boils down to you and your sense of what you deserve. Pisceans are famous for their tendency to feel guilty. They don’t necessarily do this overtly in a way, for example, that Cancerians do. But inwardly people born under the sign often see themselves in the wrong even when they are definitely in the right. Worse still, you often find yourself feeling as if you are simply not a good enough person to accept all the rich rewards which life may offer you. You half suspect that you are supposed to suffer; when treated unfairly or unkindly in a relationship you figure it must be your fault and must be your lot in life. So you put up with far, far more than you should. But not any more. Not in 2001. The sky is determined to give you a taste of the joy, the fulfilment, the contentment and the true companionship that you have so long yearned to feel but have been unable, somehow, to experience. Maybe you’ll have to change the company you keep, maybe you’ll have to change a power dynamic within a relationship, for it’s not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with anyone you are now close to. It’s just that you need to be the one in control, the person who sets the standard, leads the way and calls the shots. And as the planets guide you over the next few months into becoming that person and playing that role, you’ll find it is not just other people who follow your direction. Fortune, too, will toe the line..

I was going to do a whole bit on how this is exactly how I have been feeling, why things are my responsibility, why the housecleaning is so necessary but I think all I really have to say is “Hey, it’s about freaking time!!”

So what to do next…

Pain That Speaks

I can make you scared If you want me to
I’m not prepared, but if I have to…


Tragically Hip

March 29. Thursday.

It’s the pain. I can’t stand, I can’t sit. I can’t lay down, not on my back, nor my front, my sides weigh down with the burning lava of nerve pain, shooting up my spine and into my brain stem. I can’t lean, I can’t hang, movement causes the beast to roam my body yet remaining still grips my skull with a vice like pressure that shakes my vision and dulls my hearing. It makes me angry, it makes me weak, it causes me to disassociate myself from others, causes me to dismiss their feelings at the acknowledgment of my own. It turns me from who I am into who I fear I may one day become if the pain doesn’t stop. The less I heed it, the longer it stays, the more mind I pay to it, the greater its hold on me becomes.

For the time being, it kills me.

It’s not that I won’t
It’s that I can’t
It’s not an excuse
It’s a choice
It’s not that I don’t want to
It’s that it won’t allow me
I can’t explain
I can’t make anyone understand
I wouldn’t want to
I wouldn’t try
I wish I could separate myself
I wish I could escape
For now I must remain
For now I must tolerate
For now I must ask forgiveness
For now I must demand strength
For now I must endure
For now I must trust
That the side you see will fade
That the person you are will see
That the things I say will pass
That the way I am will return
That the feelings we share will endure
That the life we have will survive

Breaking The Silence

It was very kind and generous to save
your friend any further suffering.

Please accept our deepest sympathy
on the loss of your companion.

Dr. Allan Stoffman
Jennifer and Alex

March 28. Wednesday.

As you can probably imagine, a lot has happened over the last month or so. There was the Australia trip, the return to find that my little furry buddy wasn’t doing well and the eventual heartbreaking decision to put him out of his misery. There has been the rapid takeoff of my new relationship with Coley, the complete silence on my part not only here but on ICQ, on the phone to my family and even with my family here in Canada. I suppose you could say I have been somewhat of a recluse. I have been working, some strange hours as usual, been at the gym experiencing the kind of success about which I could only have dreamed until now and as of last Saturday have no resolution to the causes of my back problems. To go in reverse, let me state for the record that no matter what the doctors might tell you, losing weight may only contribute slightly to the prevention of back problems such as mine. I have been taking weight off steadily for months now and am currently about the same weight I was when I left University, that being around 205lbs. Contrast that with the 232 I was for months over the fall and winter, the 260 I was for years after Mariska and the 294 I was when I first started at Dolfin about 5 years ago. I am now firmly within acceptable ranges, my skin is slightly loose in places which is bizarre and a little perturbing and even though I just bought a pair of 33 inch waist pants I can still pinch a little at the waist. Despite this, I came downstairs on Saturday morning and as I reached for the garbage can under my desk the familiar searing pain shot through my back. My only conclusion at this point is that since the heater had once again gone off during the night, and my back was exposed to the elements so to speak, once I got up and tried to bend a little the cold muscle aggravated the nerve. A tenuous link at best, but right now it’s all I have.

Backing up… I have been away from the computer for a while, aside from Napster and the odd evening of checking email I have not had the time or the inclination to sit at the desk and do much of anything. Coley has been here a lot, and I think it’s pretty obvious that is what has kept me away, but there have been many times when I could have written email, entries or ICQ’s but just haven’t bothered. It’s the pause that refreshes, at least that’s what I am hoping.

Back… I can’t say much about Shadow right now. He was very sick while I was away and despite the enormous effort and commitment of both Mo and Cole, he just was not going to get much better. Upon my return, he had several relapses of his condition and once his quality of life showed no indication of improvement there was really no option but to stop his suffering.
March 2nd Cole and I took him to the Vet to say good-bye.
It’s safe to say that throughout a life of many hills and valleys that was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am not sure, nor convinced, but it may be that is why my silence has been so long, and why I must once again step away from here to gather my thoughts.

Shadow RIP March 2, 2001

So Much More

I wasn’t lucky. I deserved it.
Margaret Thatcher
British Prime Minister

To say that February has been a watershed month would be a massive understatement. Not only the first visit to Australia, not only the beginning of a wonderful relationship with a remarkable woman but also the passing of my 33rd birthday and the first Valentine’s Day in many years that I anticipated and enjoyed, albeit ten thousand miles from my Valentine herself.

It’s been an odd one to say the least. I mean how harsh is it to meet someone with whom you share a massive chemistry, spend two unbelievable weeks together and then have to fly halfway around the world to spend the next two wishing you hadn’t had to leave. Add to this the bittersweetness of being able to spend time with your family at the expense of such a tenuous hold on a fledgeling relationship and you have a recipe for an emotionally draining rollercoaster. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it though, the vacation was unbelievable in so many ways, I don’t think I have ever been so sad to leave, so happy to be there and so happy to get back all around the same vacation. The time I spent away forced me to check my tendency to rush in and gave me a degree of perspective that I have been known to lack at times. That instilled in me the confidence that I was doing the right thing by pursuing this relationship and thus made it harder to remain where I was. All this, however, seems so far away when I think of the way in which we know one another. It’s almost organic at times, a kind of “rightness” that comes so naturally that it surprises you both with it’s transparency and force. It makes time itself seem irrelevant, the passing hours and days both fly and crawl with similar ferocity leaving you uncertain of anything other than the presence you feel wrapped in your arms, the warmth and the gentle heartbeat now the tempo of your world’s time. It’s not that the doubts and realities of all relationships aren’t there, it’s just that you know they are merely tricks being played by your mind in order to test your own resolve. It’s simply true that when something is right, you know it.

Absolutely Fabulous…

..and you do the kind of things
that only Prince would sing about

Bad Touch, Bloodhound Gang

February 6. Tuesday
February 7, Wednesday.

Did you ever get everything you always wanted out of a situation? There have been a couple of times in my life when I have been lucky enough to get it all, the whole nine yards, the whole ball of wax, the big enchilada… One notable experience was getting hired at the hospital, truly a dream come true, everything I was looking for and a whipped cream topping. Well, that’s the way I feel right now. You will have to excuse my hesitation in divulging details, but believe me, Santa came late to my house this year, but made up for it in spades… I know, don’t jinx it… That’s an Americanism though, I can’t recall as a child ever coming across that expression and so my belief in it is limited. Rather, I prefer to revel in the fleeting success which shines on us all at various points in our lives and for lack of a better analogy, to enjoy the sun while it is shining.

I feel like the edge of my world has just fallen away to reveal a whole new dimension that I didn’t even consider existed, like I have been living in a paper house of my own construction and suddenly this hurricane has come blowing through, ripping my environment apart to reveal this beautiful boundless landscape beyond. To say it’s been an eye opener is such an understatement but in essence that is exactly what has happened, I have been forced to see what lies beyond my thoughts, my expectations and my imagined reality.

I have had very little sleep the last 2 days, and have spent a great deal of time getting to know this person on a very detailed level and as corny as it sounds, the more I get to know her and get to know about her the more it drives me to discover and the more it drives me to reveal. It’s as if I have finally found someone not only that I feel like I can be myself around, but who really wants to see that person and whose ultimate satisfaction would be the discovery and possession of the raw essence of who I am. It’s a lot to say, it’s a lot to deal with and yes, it’s been very quick in the offing but sometimes that’s the reality of the situation. Is it possible I am imagining this? No. Is it possible I am blowing this out of proportion? Maybe, but more likely it is my explanation of an extension of feelings I am having, the acknowledgment of the possibility of the situation. The really funky thing is that there is no pressure from either side, at least not yet. I am not in anticipation of any coming, but then again I am not afraid of it if it does. Strange as it may seem for me I am in a very secure place in a situation that is actually very volatile and potentially unstable. It’s partly that feeling of natural progression and unique personal acceptance between the two of us that has made me feel so happy and content and I can safely say right now that without a shadow of a doubt I am truly in the moment with every fiber of my being. I don’t have to project, I don’t have to justify any history, I just have to be… There are volumes waiting to be written on the beauty that this individual possesses, but for the time being, the measure of her beauty as a person can be seen clearly in the illumination of my being.

It’s absolutely fabulous dahhhling….


You never know, with this kind of thing,
anything could change

Weightless, See Spot Run

February 3. Saturday.

I find myself on my back, head under a stack of electronics, wires dangling around me and my hands trembling from the fumbling of cables and screws. Yup, it’s that time of year again, upgrades deluxe. Today was unique in the fact that the entire technical department came along to build the furniture we had bought for the new “tech room”. The big tech bench we got, although it sounds mind-numbingly boring, is actually quite stylish and impressive. As for me, I had three closets to upgrade, software to install, recabling to be done, wire managers and such to rack and all on a tight rotating downtime schedule… Asleep yet? I almost am, believe me. However, I have something wildly significant to look forward to this evening… It’s finally time for Snatch.. Vinnie Jones et al in a “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” with a twist of Americana in the form of Brad Pitt. The accompaniment? A visitor from out of town in a sense, someone about which I am going to say very little… Smacks of perfection methinks…

Amazing that this time next week I will be on my way to Australia.. It’s coming up far too fast and I am going to have to leave at a time that is rather inopportune, but it seems that situations in which I find myself are rarely timed with the nuance of a Swiss watch but rather with the inappropriate and hackneyed coordination of a pissed up rugby player on the dance floor… But I am going, glad to be given the opportunity and looking forward to the rest. Two weeks away from work will be strange to say the least, since I have been there for almost 3 years with no more than a handful of days away. Nevertheless, time will pass by for them as it does for me when others disappear to far away locales, with the quiet haste of irresistible inevitability. I’m still planning firmly on one hand luggage and no suitcase, but we’ll see…

Right now, however, I am so tight for time that I am writing this waiting for emails to send and work sessions to terminate on my desktop. So this will have to suffice, a mere signpost to indicate the vague direction in which I am heading.

I’ll be back…

High Hopes

I have no hand…

George Costanza, Seinfeld

February 1. Thursday

Suddenly you just can’t tell. There is a time when you know what another person is thinking, you can tell how they feel and even what they are about to do. Then you outguess yourself, you lose the image in the pattern and suddenly nothing makes sense. It’s make or break time, is what it is. I firmly believe that when two people meet, there is a crescendo of emotion and a window of opportunity that opens which will enable them to begin what may develop into a relationship of sorts. If that time is missed, there may be others, but the likelihood is that the time for them has passed. It sometimes takes years to reach that point, others are instantly thrown into the mix with one another and forced to take what is thrust at them. I believe that I am standing at the brink of the opening of another window.

Is there an echo in here?